Here’s to emotionally constipated people like me
I can’t cry. Rather, I don’t know how to.
Oh, it’s not because I live in angel-exalting happiness either. I am a miserable sod. But I don’t know how to cry. Instead, I bottle it up, suppress, swallow, ignore, philosophize it until I lash out at my loved ones.
If you haven’t figured it out from the title itself — I am an emotionally constipated person.
Growing up, crying was not allowed. Especially in front of others. It was a weakness. Crying was looked down with derision. Crying became a quickly forgotten skill.
Even in my dreams, I don’t cry. I instead scream and scream and scream…and wake up suddenly to find that I have really been screaming — but silently. Sometimes in those dreams, I am beating up people. But none of these provide any sort of emotional relief.
If you are anything like me, you are probably familiar with some of these signs of emotional repression:
- Intense shame at crying
- Silent midnight crying followed by shame
- Dislike for crying noises from others
- An inability to cry
- Crying that comes out in short staccato bursts
- Emotional numbness/false detachment
- Rage issues
- Pushing things to the back of your mind
- Developing a (convincing) bubbly persona
People like me are schooled from an early age to maintain a stoic facade, not let anyone figure us out, not to display negative emotions.
It takes a toll on us. We are the people with a constant aura of sadness around us. People can sense this and term it as negativity. People avoid us because we are vibe killers.
We don’t bring this “vibe-killing vibe” with us consciously. It just sticks on and we cannot shake it off even if we look happy and are highly energetic. Underneath our bubbly personality is unresolved pain that peeps out every now and then.
People can sense this. And our cheeriness feels insincere or creepy. Like a creepy clown.
More scientifically, studies have shown emotional repression is linked to higher rates of cardiovascular diseases, mental health disorders, and hypertension.
Unresolved grief and trauma will eat you inside out. You will carry it around, poisoning the air around you. There is help to be had. You can learn to feel emotions and healthily manage them. Therapy is your answer.
It is not cool to be emotionally numb or not be able to cry. It’s not a sign of maturity or manliness or poshness. Emotional constipation is immaturity and irresponsibility because I guarantee you; all those emotions you are bottling up are spilling out in the nastiest ways — hurting people around you.
